Dressing up the Dictionary: Hopeful

Hoping is born from both negative and positive situations. Honestly without it over the years I definitely wouldn't have gained some of things I really wanted. The old saying “if you don’t ask, you don't get” comes to mind, and when you think about it, asking is the same as hoping. Woah, totally just got into a head spiral over that thought. 

Anyway… existential thought process over, lately I have neglected discussing anything mental health, which is very much part of my every day. If you have read some of my blog posts already you'll know that I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and if you haven’t, well, now you know. I suppose the topic isn't one I can just whip out in a blog about a guide to buying the cosiest coats now, can I? In any case, I wanted to take this topic as an opportunity to point out why I really believe in the importance of hoping. 

Given the nature of being extremely depressed, it’s a no brainer that one would lose ALL hope about everything. That includes living, which yes, is very deep but very very true. I have had periods of time where I stopped believing anything good could ever happen to me, frankly because I didn't see the point anymore. It’s a dark and abyss like feeling. Coming out of that mood and state of mind sheds new light on the positive things about life. I see them differently and with more hope than if I didn't come out from that black vacuous hole. 

As I set out on this blogging path I am hopeful for all the things I can get out of doing it. For example, I hope to own this beautiful coat from Verheyen London one day. I want to keep buying the luxury items I am total sucker for whether thats straight from the store itself or second hand from places like Vestiaire Collective. I hope to become the presence I am aiming to be and make a living out of this. The thing is too, I can only hope about these possibilities because I can’t foresee my future and what it may or may not bring.

The other great thing about hope is that it has taught me to be grateful for what I have already, it’s likely I would not have those things without having hoped for them. Like good old Epicurus said “…Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” A.x

Shop the Look:

  1. Leopard Print Coat, Verheyen London

  2. Straight Leg Jeans, & Other Stories

  3. Bag, Gucci via eBay, similar here on Vestiaire Collective

  4. Pointed Perspex Heels, Gianvito Rossi via Vestiaire Collective, similar here

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Dressing up the Dictionary: Aloof

Switch off. Shut down. Isolate. Disengage. Whatever you want to call it, it’s all a part of being aloof.

I have found myself in this mode for various different reasons. As I sit down to write this, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of wanting to hide away and honestly just not bother. It very rarely has anything to do with having no motivation or willingness to engage, it’s actually quite the opposite. Believe me, I want to, for the better of myself and my future pursuits, but sometimes the world we live in and the people around us leave me feeling at a loss about how to do it.

Over the years, I've learnt how to force myself to take part in all the things I need to even when I don't want to. Buuut there are times when you just can’t keep up the facade anymore. Ironically, even when I am not intentionally being aloof I somehow give off the impression I am, however, it’s for a far more deeper reason like being catastrophically depressed. Either way, I guess it has a part to play in my existence whether I want it to or not.

This time round, I find myself asking “why is there a total lack of honesty and transparency in so many layers of my life?” Everywhere I turn there is never ending confusion whether that is at home, with individuals at work and in my social life or with my blogging pursuits on social media. Where do the lies end? When do things start to make sense? How do I stay really really true to myself?

I don't have the answers to the above questions and I don't consider myself a saint in the matter either. Because of all these things it really isn't any wonder why one would like to turn off the switch button, shut down the mind from external exposure, live in a cocoon of isolation and disengage with “reality.” Consider this look a fashionable take on the conspicuously uninvolved, if you will.

A.x

Shop the look:

  1. Patent Trench Coat, Similar here (RAINS at net-a-porter.com)

  2. Flared Black Jeans, J brand, Similar here

  3. Black Cropped Sweater, J Crew, Similar here (& Other Stories)

  4. Platform Leather Boots, Zara (on sale now!)

  5. Sunglasses, Le specs Similar here

Dressing up the Dictionary: Expectations

It’s a New year and I have a whole new set of expectations. They can fall flat or be exceeded and until things happen you forever live in the unknown. I used to get the worst anxiety about a year ending and not knowing what was going to happen, but not this time. 2018, to quote Ariana Grande, thank you, next. I am so ready for all the challenges I will face this year, especially because I have found my footing with what I want for myself. So what is it exactly that I expect in the year to come, you ask?

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What I learnt last year is there really are two things which remain a constant: change and of course, your expectations. In fact, they totally work hand in hand. Everything you expect is always changing but you have them nonetheless. Of course, change is an inevitable fate and it doesn’t cease to exist. What 2018 really opened my eyes up to is the notion of “anything can happen.” It was the things I least expected (or didn’t at all for that matter) which changed so much for me, including what I expected from myself.

I expect to push myself outside of my comfort zones, to try and explore the things I love doing and not stay home so much (as cosy as it is), to learn, to love and most importantly I expect to be valued and to value myself.

I am excited to see where this year takes me, especially now that I have embarked on this blogging journey. At the beginning of 2018, I didn’t anticipate I would be doing what I am doing now. But by the end of 2019, with my new path and a clearer direction, I expect to see a growth from the hard work I put into writing (and shopping hahaha) in my pursuit to dress up the Dictionary. Plus, it means I get to hang out in très très chic places like this one (The Hari) which always makes for a great photo. For this words look I wanted to portray what expectations can look like in literal way. Just your every day jumper and jeans but with the addition of those red bottoms as a symbol of what I expect for myself; the very best.

A.x

Shop the Look:

  1. Pink Mohair Jumper, H&M

  2. Straight Leg Jeans, Topshop, Similar here

  3. Pointed Sling back heels, Christian Louboutin, Similar here

  4. Necklace assortment: Amelia Pendant - Cinco Store, Zodiac Pendant - Vanity&Rose, Mother of Pearl Pendant - Astley Clarke , Chanel Pendant from a selection at the Bond St Boutique

Dressing up the Dictionary: Maintaining

If there’s one thing I find very difficult, it’s maintaining things.

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That’s because my mood disorder has a plan of it’s own. Cue journal excerpt dated 16.07.18: “It is really hard to maintain or upkeep the use of journalling… Even though I understand it’s cathartic value, I don’t like that it doesn't make things feel better instantly… The irony is I'm so obsessed with maintaining what I set out to do.” I pretty much left it there and didn't revisit the subject again, until now.

Why now? Because I feel at a loss with everything I am doing, and I am exhausted by my expectation of instant gratification. The same sentiment of wanting to feel better straight away has trickled down to my pursuit of becoming a lifestyle blogger. Honestly, I didn't think about what maintaining the process would really entail. I quickly learnt that there is a shady side to the community of lifestyle bloggers; nearly all of them are buying their followers and engagement. It explains why trying to drive in the traffic to my own website and Instagram has been so damn slow. We live in a world where everything is instantly obtainable, and it would seem cheating your way to get there is the norm.

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Excuse me, but I did not work that much harder to prove myself and my capabilities against all odds, to be told that paying my way into things is “all that matters.” Well, guess what? MY EXPERIENCE IS MY WORTH. If anything, the people I went to school with (think rich beyond realms imaginable and then quadruple that amount) have encouraged me to do the exact opposite of buying your way through life. Granted, it would be lovely to amble along Bond Street purchasing whatever I want, but I want that to be something I have TRULY earned. You don't go to work expecting to pay you're way through it. Everything you EARN (not buy on a dodgy website) pays for all that you do: Commuting, check. Morning coffee, check. Going out, check. Eating, check. The clothes on your back, check. Travelling, check. Car, check. Bills, check. Everything, check. Did you pay your boss to give you all that? *cough* Didn’t think so.

Maintaining my path to a blogging career is proving to be super hard, it will probably induce some kind of mental breakdown, but I am willing to take that risk. Haha, I just realised what being passionate about something really feels like, #growingup. It’s a combination of feeling sick and insanely high levels of determined all at once. I’ll continue feeling this way and putting all my hard work into what I do, because I believe I can do it WITHOUT LYING to everyone who decides to follow me. As a result, I will be thankful you're a human and not a damn bot.

*Sigh* All I know is if there is one thing I can maintain, it’s my honesty, both with myself and my followers. I would rather that then simply have a number (because that’s all it is) on my platforms just for appearance sake. If it fails, wearing all black-a tone that will never go out of fashion-and drinking coffee will have to be maintenance enough.

A.x

Shop the Look:

  1. Chunky Knit Sweater, H&M Similar here

  2. Faux Leather Skinny Trousers, Zara Similar here

  3. Suede Ankle Boots, Topshop

  4. Wool Biker Coat, Sandro

  5. Bag, Stella McCartney