Dressing up the Dictionary: Maintaining

If there’s one thing I find very difficult, it’s maintaining things.

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That’s because my mood disorder has a plan of it’s own. Cue journal excerpt dated 16.07.18: “It is really hard to maintain or upkeep the use of journalling… Even though I understand it’s cathartic value, I don’t like that it doesn't make things feel better instantly… The irony is I'm so obsessed with maintaining what I set out to do.” I pretty much left it there and didn't revisit the subject again, until now.

Why now? Because I feel at a loss with everything I am doing, and I am exhausted by my expectation of instant gratification. The same sentiment of wanting to feel better straight away has trickled down to my pursuit of becoming a lifestyle blogger. Honestly, I didn't think about what maintaining the process would really entail. I quickly learnt that there is a shady side to the community of lifestyle bloggers; nearly all of them are buying their followers and engagement. It explains why trying to drive in the traffic to my own website and Instagram has been so damn slow. We live in a world where everything is instantly obtainable, and it would seem cheating your way to get there is the norm.

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Excuse me, but I did not work that much harder to prove myself and my capabilities against all odds, to be told that paying my way into things is “all that matters.” Well, guess what? MY EXPERIENCE IS MY WORTH. If anything, the people I went to school with (think rich beyond realms imaginable and then quadruple that amount) have encouraged me to do the exact opposite of buying your way through life. Granted, it would be lovely to amble along Bond Street purchasing whatever I want, but I want that to be something I have TRULY earned. You don't go to work expecting to pay you're way through it. Everything you EARN (not buy on a dodgy website) pays for all that you do: Commuting, check. Morning coffee, check. Going out, check. Eating, check. The clothes on your back, check. Travelling, check. Car, check. Bills, check. Everything, check. Did you pay your boss to give you all that? *cough* Didn’t think so.

Maintaining my path to a blogging career is proving to be super hard, it will probably induce some kind of mental breakdown, but I am willing to take that risk. Haha, I just realised what being passionate about something really feels like, #growingup. It’s a combination of feeling sick and insanely high levels of determined all at once. I’ll continue feeling this way and putting all my hard work into what I do, because I believe I can do it WITHOUT LYING to everyone who decides to follow me. As a result, I will be thankful you're a human and not a damn bot.

*Sigh* All I know is if there is one thing I can maintain, it’s my honesty, both with myself and my followers. I would rather that then simply have a number (because that’s all it is) on my platforms just for appearance sake. If it fails, wearing all black-a tone that will never go out of fashion-and drinking coffee will have to be maintenance enough.

A.x

Shop the Look:

  1. Chunky Knit Sweater, H&M Similar here

  2. Faux Leather Skinny Trousers, Zara Similar here

  3. Suede Ankle Boots, Topshop

  4. Wool Biker Coat, Sandro

  5. Bag, Stella McCartney

Amira, Writing

“Out of the quarrels with others we make rhetoric; Out of the quarrels with ourselves we make poetry.” - Yeats

To each and every person a quote can be interpreted in their own way. It has taken me a couple of years to work out why this quote I read in the copy of Anna Karenina has had such resonance. To me, the quarrel with others and with myself are a matter of cause and effect, it feels like they come hand in hand. Without the negative experiences I have with others, there is no reason to have “an angry argument or disagreement” with myself. So, excuse me Mr Yeats, but I am turning the rhetoric I have with others into my poetry.

I mean what is my poetry even? Well, it transpires in a few ways and to start off with it’s in all endeavours creative. When I started writing it was in the form of journalling, personal and for my eyes only, expressing everything I thought and felt about the things I was going through. It used to be a means of protecting myself and not letting my guard down, like a way to expel any energy that could potentially put me in harms way. All those once fluttering thoughts are rested away safely in notebooks living in a box under my bed. With time that has changed, writing a piece now is my version of “poetry” created out of the “quarrels” caused by that very “rhetoric.” I am letting my guard down because it as a form of my expression that I want to share. My quarrels, whether they be with myself or with others, have an immense impact on what I want to create. That’s where the poetry transpires - it affects my mood and in turn my likes and dislikes, my style, my choices, what music I listen to, what I am interested in and well, in general how I view the world around me everyday. 

We are all learning from what hurts us and causes pain and what makes us feel good and brings us joy. Feeling those things requires a certain level of self assessment whether it be conscious or not. In fact, what my girl (yeah you Hayley Ku’unani!) said about making this assessment is just too poignant - to paraphrase “Even though there is toxicity others throw at us, we need to think about the toxicity we also bring to the equation. The only difference is that our toxicity is aimed toward ourselves.” Here’s where the quote for me comes in big time. I’m going to be using it as the foundation for my blogging, flipping the toxicity on it's head and into my poetry. A diary of my style, thoughts and everything in-between. 

A. x 

Shop the look:

  1. Suede Biker Jacket - Mango

  2. Blouse - Zara

  3. Shoes - Valentino Tango Pump/Sam Edelman Openback Mules

  4. Bag - Gucci Mini Dionysus Suede

  5. Sunglasses - Celine

  6. Earrings - Rose Quartz and Gold Hoops, Theodora Warre/Oval Gold Hoops, Astley Clarke

Photography by Hayley Ku'unani @thoualone - Instagram